Context, the party are some students on what was basicly Hogwarts, and they got send out on a journey to find their own way of their magic. One of the members was a fighter, who was hired to protect them.
They start out by walking towards the closest town, and on the way have this discussion.
Rich kid (me): So, how good of a bodyguard are you?
Bodyguard: I’m one of the best in all of Luxemborg (the school)!
Me: I meant like, how mamy dragons and such have you killed!
Bodyguard: I haven’t fought against those kinds of creatures, but I can kill bears like nothing.
Just as he said that the DM asked me to roll a dexterity saving throw
Me: *Rolls 6*
DM: You see a wolf run towards you, and you get stun in fear.
Bodyguard: I throw my knife at the wolf, and grapple it afterwards.
DM: Roll for the throw.
Bodyguard: *Rolls 1*
DM: You hit the rich kid with the knife, roll for your grapple.
Bodyguard: *Rolls another 1*
DM: Misjudging the distance, you throw yourself to the ground. As for you rich kid, you take 13 damage from the wolf, and 3 from the knife.
Me: I’m basicly dead now.
Rest of the party: *Looks in horror as their bodyguard couldn’t even stop a single wolf*
I ended up surviving the death saves, and we abandoned the bodyguard, and hired a new one.
(ok so basically theres the three of us, me, a tiefling rogue, our dragon born fighter, and our druid nymph. our characters all hate each other and we were tired of fighting out way through this dungeon so we improvised.)
druid, as we reach the entrance of the big bad druid boss: !!!! this is your mother!!!! dinner is ready get your ass down here
our dm, crying at this point as she rolls horribly again: he comes out of his cave, squinting and says “mother you look different”
our druid, with a pillowcase around her head: I GOT SOME WORK DONE BUT YOU WOULDNT KNOW CONSIDERING YOU HAVENT CALLED ME IN 200 YEARS THIS PLACE IS FILTHY YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME
(at this point me and our fighter are trying to sneak past them, i successfully pass but the literal 350 pound dragon does not, also he’s high on shrooms)
our druid, quickly improvising: meet your new step father that youre already disrespecting with these damn traps you have everywhere why cant you be more like your brother he’s a literal angel (referring to me, a tiefling)
(we eventually make it down to where we needed to go and our dm finally rolls in her favor, making the boss realize “wait a minute you’re not my mother”. we explain we’re only there for a rescue mission or the rings of the people who came down here, he sighs and gives it to us. we’re about to leave peacefully, until)
fighter, ooc: im going to take the white fruit from the tree
us, also ooc: UM WHAT NOW
(we end up finishing our quest by running from the boss, feeding the fruit to the dragon we were supposed to save for some cobalts, blaming it on goblins, stabbing our cobalt guide whom our druid has an emotional attatchment to, then running from the cobalts all thanks to our fighter high on shrooms. we determined his alignment is chaotic stupid.)
Your players are in a dungeon. As they rummage through a pile of mundane and minor goods, they come across a small, partitioned package, of semi-transparent, indeterminate material, sealed with a cover of a similar, but thinner, material. If they inspect it for magic, they find a minor necromancy effect that may have something to do with the contents, seemingly edible, looking reasonably fresh.
Inside, they find strange foods that almost, but not quite familiar to them, packaged in alien materials and prepared in potentially very strange ways.
If consumed, the character finds the food is rich, but tasty, though not particularly filling.
Leave it for your players to realize on their own that their characters just found fucking lunchables in a dungeon.
this is not helping my craving for lunchables I have atm
I started out with putting military field rations in my fantasy ancient Earth setting as minor magical loot and as I was working on it, decided that lunchables were the logical conclusion, and I cannot wait to describe a lunchable in the frame of reference of an ancient human and wait to see if my players get it.
that’s great and you need to lmk if/when they do get it and what their reactions are because that sounds amazing
This dungeon is the campaign equivalent of a shitpost. I decided that I wanted to run a traditional death trap dungeon, but was disillusioned by Gygax’s cheating arse when I started looking at Tomb of Horror, so I’ve been writing my own dungeon of super lethal rooms, with the framing device of dungeons being naturally occurring magical structures that grow around powerful magic items or the tombs of powerful people. This particular dungeon developed near a Norse settlement, and is used as a trial by fire for criminals.
It started with a bridge suspended over a 20’ spiked pit by mage hand effects that had to be counter weighted by breaking up statues, ultimately leading to a door with a decanter of endless water set to Geyser concealed in its handle.
“You wouldn’t know”: If you ask to roll, say, history, and your DM responds with this, it usually means, “This is a vital plot point that you aren’t supposed to find out until later, so I won’t tell you regardless of what you roll”
“I mean, you could”: The DM is strongly suggesting you don’t do the thing you were just about to do. But it is your choice… if you reeeeeally want to.
“Oh, fuck”/“Oh, shit”/et cetera: “I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO MAKE THAT DECISION AND I DID NOT PREPARE AN OUTCOME”
“Oh, fuck”/“Oh, shit”/et cetera: “I JUST REALIZED I DID NOT BALANCE THIS COMBAT CORRECTLY”
“Hang on…”: “Where the FUCK did I put this in my notes?”
“Oh boy”/“Oh god”/“Oh no”/et cetera: I either just rolled REALLY well or REALLY badly. You’ll find out soon enough.
“It seems like…”/“As far as you can tell…”: What I’m about to say your character notices, is nowhere CLOSE to what’s actually going on.
“Make a [skill] check”/“Make a [skill] saving throw”: I’m having you make this roll, but I’m not going to tell you what it means until later, when you’re going to regret it.
A hard, firm, “No”: “Please for the love of GOD and ALL that is holy I am BEGGING you not to put me through whatever BULLSHIT you’re planning.”
– What you know in character though: Please stop fucking metagaming at my table
– I’ll give you that: Contrary to your mistaken belief, you are not correct about this particular rule, but I have a story to tell and will let you have something unimportant yet cheaty if it shuts you up for six goddamn seconds
– Yeah okay: That’s absolutely not allowed for in the rules but I wanna see where it goes
– I guess so?: Please gods no I didn’t plan for this
Lawful Evil Paladin: *In our Adventurer’s League session, after saving 3 children from a Night Hag is CoS* Alright, so which one of these kids looks the most evil?
DM: …The youngest girl has an evil glint in her eyes.
LE Paladin: I walk up and say, “Nice to meet you, little one! Do you want to come with me and be my henchman?”
*Persuasion success*
DM: She nods.
LE Paladin: *to the party Druid, coincidentally also a black Dragonborn like the Paladin* “We will raise this child together.”
Druid: “Oh absolutely.”
Lawful Good Paladin: Wait, wait, no, he doesn’t get a kid. What about the other two kids?
DM: There are two boys. They don’t seem to know what is going on.
LG Paladin: Y’know what? No. These are my boys now. I’m claiming them.
DM: …Alright. They already seem attatched to you, as one of their saviors.
LG Paladin: I love them so much. Do we get to keep them for next session?
DM: *shrugs* If you bring in their character sheets, I’ll allow it.
LE Paladin & Druid: *Already filling out a blank sheet* Our daughter is a rogue.
(The session ended soon after, but not before the LG Paladin proceded to baptize her newly adopted children in the nearby church (i.e. the Ceremony spell.))
Verliese Und Drachen 